*^* sufficated *^*

the saddest thing in life is to be able to speak yet no one is there to listen and understand. might as well not having anyone to talk to or to just not talk at all. as lonely and as scared as being lost in the woods, as speechless as the mutes and people are not listening as the deafs, being stepped all over as if they were blind and been thrown painful words as if you are hard and heartless like the rock, being a stand-in as if u were a punching bag. if you wouldn't let them do that to u, they'd say ur cold and a heartless freak, but if you let them, in the end they're gonna say that ur stupid and such a dumb-arse fer letting ppl use you in the first place. i just don't get it sometimes...when ur happy about something, u expect those that are close to feel the same way. and that when ur depressed about some shits, u'd expect that they'd at least there to listen (even though they x understand)...when i'm feeling all vibrant and excited, i wanna share that stuff with my mom...i mean that's what mother and daughter do, they share...how good is all the color wen it's just you, while everyone else is standn in the black and white world, rite? you would wanna share you color as well so that the pleasure is not just seeing yourself happy but to see your loved ones happy as well.

as happy as ever,found a guy that i could finally mellow and wallow with, i told my mom about it. telling her how much i love him and how much he completes me in any way, letting her know just how important he is to me. with all the sparks on my face (i know coz my friends said each time i talked about him, i'v got the sparks.LOL) after such a long time not being in any relationship, i thought that she could see it. i thought that after all the pain that i'v shared with her, i thought that she would at least be happy fer me. but like usually, it's always the other way around...she was there alright...but only to blame and to throw pesky words at me. why mama...why must you be so difficult to understand?

everything that has happened to the family is my fault (all of it). aight, i admit it, it is my fault, all of it. every single of it. if she could list it from A to Z, all 26 are my fault...even if there were alphabets in between A and B, it is still my fault. i am sorry fer putting them through so many shits but i am NOT sorry that i did it. because as sorry as i am, i know that if there were an alphabet somewhere before A, it starts with her unappreciative mouth. call me a bitch or a very unappreciative daughter but it is depressing to find a best friend and later found out that you hafta to compete with them, jz to please the whole world, yet in the end u'v lost everything and gained nothing. oppss..too much info.

i just x understand how she can hurt me so much by just a glare. feels like my heart is about to burst, screaming fer air.