*^* b *^*

b, i think that i'm in lurve with u more than u love me...it always happens that way. coz i'v found myself counting days that i actually spend with u. it relatively shows that i really care and really want this whole thing to werk out. u don't hafta worry about me finding someone else coz i don't think i can. i'm scared that ur just turned out to be just like one of those guys whom i'v encountered before...they're like even worst than filthy animals, they're like these arrogant freak!!! being all that fame when they realised that they're loved by their loved ones, taking them fer granted, treating them as a stand-in, turning themselves into womeniser and into this cold & heartless freakish filthy animals. how is it that loving you before was so much easier but day-by-day it just gets tougher and it felt as if ur miles aways - even though ur holding me in ur arms...i'm not hurt nor i am disappointed, not hurt neither, that i know this fer fact. i'm just scared, really2 scared as ever...

ppl said that it's not nice to love someone so much and so deep. i've tried not to, playing it all cool just like you played urs...but i can't. call me fool, call me stupid, call me possesive, call me crazy, call me cheesy, call me corny, i can't help it that every morning i'd wake up finding myself rummagin' through my fon - afraid that i might missed your call while asleep. i can't help it that i kept checkin' my fon everytime it lits. i can't help it that i kept on messagin' u tellin' u what i'm doing where i'm about and asking you what u were doin and whether or not u'v had ur lunch. sometimes i think that my past made me a little paranoid. maybe it has. and maybe i'm just too scared that i'll lose you along the way...

*^* sufficated *^*

the saddest thing in life is to be able to speak yet no one is there to listen and understand. might as well not having anyone to talk to or to just not talk at all. as lonely and as scared as being lost in the woods, as speechless as the mutes and people are not listening as the deafs, being stepped all over as if they were blind and been thrown painful words as if you are hard and heartless like the rock, being a stand-in as if u were a punching bag. if you wouldn't let them do that to u, they'd say ur cold and a heartless freak, but if you let them, in the end they're gonna say that ur stupid and such a dumb-arse fer letting ppl use you in the first place. i just don't get it sometimes...when ur happy about something, u expect those that are close to feel the same way. and that when ur depressed about some shits, u'd expect that they'd at least there to listen (even though they x understand)...when i'm feeling all vibrant and excited, i wanna share that stuff with my mom...i mean that's what mother and daughter do, they share...how good is all the color wen it's just you, while everyone else is standn in the black and white world, rite? you would wanna share you color as well so that the pleasure is not just seeing yourself happy but to see your loved ones happy as well.

as happy as ever,found a guy that i could finally mellow and wallow with, i told my mom about it. telling her how much i love him and how much he completes me in any way, letting her know just how important he is to me. with all the sparks on my face (i know coz my friends said each time i talked about him, i'v got the sparks.LOL) after such a long time not being in any relationship, i thought that she could see it. i thought that after all the pain that i'v shared with her, i thought that she would at least be happy fer me. but like usually, it's always the other way around...she was there alright...but only to blame and to throw pesky words at me. why mama...why must you be so difficult to understand?

everything that has happened to the family is my fault (all of it). aight, i admit it, it is my fault, all of it. every single of it. if she could list it from A to Z, all 26 are my fault...even if there were alphabets in between A and B, it is still my fault. i am sorry fer putting them through so many shits but i am NOT sorry that i did it. because as sorry as i am, i know that if there were an alphabet somewhere before A, it starts with her unappreciative mouth. call me a bitch or a very unappreciative daughter but it is depressing to find a best friend and later found out that you hafta to compete with them, jz to please the whole world, yet in the end u'v lost everything and gained nothing. oppss..too much info.

i just x understand how she can hurt me so much by just a glare. feels like my heart is about to burst, screaming fer air.

me vs WHO?????!!!!!

start the day with a *sigh*. today seems to be a bit more gloomy compare to yesterday and the day before and even the day before.not gonna wonder y coz i know y.dunno wats the trouble between us.i mean,she wants me to dress decent, i am decent today and yesterday.she wants to keep myself together, i am together (just as long as she doesn't tore it).she wants me to look pretty, that.....i can't do...knowing how i look...knowing how pimply it is...i can't!!!

spend half of my life competing with ppl that are up to her expectations, including my best frens. tot that afta enrolling to college its gonna satisfied them.but no........

when will this be over with??? i'm freaking tired...

everything happened fer a reason

b...

thank u fer sticking by my side...
thank u fer not leaving me...
thank u fer supporting & motivating me...
thank u fer worrying about me...
thank u fer being so caring...
thank u fer putting so much effort...
and letting me know that i'm worth the effort...

i love u (so very much)...

it came (finally) afta hiding itself fer about 2 weeks...there's a part of me that wish it was there...but then there's this part of me that thankful its not there...because once its there, i'm gonna have a hard time letting it go...anything and everything happened for a reason, and i am beginning to accept that fact. and for once in my life, i feel like i have someone to turn to. my friend, my mom, and him...if this didn't happen probably things will just remain as it is, we wouldn't know whom'd be there fer u through thick and thin...

gwen stefani - '4 in the morning'

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright
But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in
It's all over me
i'm lying here in the dark
watching you sleep, it hurts a lot

[Bridge:]
And all I know is you've got to give me everything
nothing else,you know I give you all of me

[Chorus:]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I want make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we're gonna do it come on do it right

All I wanted was to know i'm safe
Don't wanna lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down

It's not fair, how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love for me
We can't escape the love
With everything that you have

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

why why why

i don't understand myself.it's like at first i was so keen on keeping my distance from him.i would do anything to stay away from guys.telling myself that all guys are just the same.all guys are juz pain in arse and all that's ringing in their big brain is S-E-X.all they talked about is S-E-X.every little sweet thang they do is for S-E-X in return.yeah sure they'll take u home introduce you to their friends and family but only after S-E-X.you tell them you're hungry,yeah sure they'll take you out for lunch but only after S-E-X.and guys will never be the same if you don't give them S-E-X.they'll be acting all funny and the relationship is like so distance.

those words kept on jiggling on my mind and it had somewhat kept my distance from guys.until recently...

he is like one of those people that it hurts to be with them but yet it hurts even more that you're not with them, so getting hurt just a tad is ok.but a tad here is like it can cut down ur motivation rate from 100 to 50!!!but even that it's ok because supposingly he had never intend to do it.it's just yourself being all sensitive.as corny as it sounds,i can't keep myself away from him like i normally would with other guys.as corny as it sounds,i love him so much.he's like this one person that able to tolerate with my stubbornness and lackings.he's the type of person that make me wait and aware of it and willing to apologize for it.wait,that sounds rather dull but wtf i don't care (^_^) he's like this person that still kisses your forehead even though it's all pimply and rashy, and willing to hold your hand in public despite yourself being an ugly duckling.still dare to walk beside you even when you dress like a kid, not dressing up like a model carrying handbags (p/s i DO NOT carry handbag!).

every now and then i got myself thinking why did he choose to be with me when he has all those drop dead gorgeous looking models to choose from.why did he choose to embarass himself being with me when he can choose to impress by being with a pretty doll-faced.just don't get it sometimes...but then again,it shouldn't bother me,rite?i mean as long as he's there with me,i shall not worry right?i just wanna make it werk and i just wanna be good fer him.i guess that i'm so thankful to have him that i'm lack of words.now being corny-ish, see...told ya i'm outta words.

Song fer my boo

When there's sunshine, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

(~ UMBRELLA ~ Rihanna feat. Jay-Z)