i can still feel it...

why am i being like this??? at certain time of the month i'm always like this...lately, it strucked me often...sometimes i wish it'd go away!!! i still feel it. i can still picture it. the scenario was so clear that it seems like it was just yesterday. no matter how hard i'v tried to forget it, it's still there. even after the accident, even i forget few events that may have happened in the past, this thing just doesn't seem to go away! even every now and then i suffer short-term memory loss, this is one thing that i just can't seem to forget. i hate it! it makes me so sick each time that i think about it.

"nak main marco-polo tak?"

marco-polo...what kinda game is that??? for a 4 years old kid, anything sounds like fun as long as they hear the 'main' word (play)...i can still picture her face in my mind. the color of baju kurung she had on. i can still her words whispering in my head. i can still feel her body brushing onto mine. what could a 4 years old kid understand from all that??? honestly, i didn't get what the game was all about. there were 4 of us in the room, 3 of us were girls, and then there was 1 boy. apparently, the one that seems to be on top of me was a girl (the eldest out of all us). funny eh... she kept on touching the areas that she wasn't suppose to and juzt kept on asking me whether i felt anything. truthfully, i didn't feel anything!!! it hurts so bad, and she was really heavy!!! and then once she's done (i think), she and my other cousin (the boy) would trade places...what was i at that time??? why me??? why us??? nowadays, it just seems like she had forgotten about it...how can she easily forgotten all about it when i'm here stuck!!!

out of all this, i'm wondering how could a girl do this to a even more younger age girl??? out of all this, i hate my parents for putting their pornographic in a improper place...i hate it wen my cousin found them and wish to experiement it on their own...i know i had no right to blame my parents but ugh! i dunno y i do...even from the beginning my life is already fucked up...everyday i woke up wishing that i'd forget about it but it's stuck there. it's like a ketchup stain on a white shirt...no matter how many times u'v tried washing it, it just won't go away...